Thoughts on faith, life, and art.
6. The DTR (define the relationship).
Do you ever have those moments where life seems to be like chapters in a book? You know, everything is a certain way for a time, and then one day, usually suddenly, the chapter changes. Everything is new. Everything is different. When this happens, it’s both exhilarating and terrifying. You don’t know what narrative the new chapter is going to follow—is it going to be a Shakespearean tragedy, or a psychological thriller? Is it going to be a comedy, or a good old fashioned drama? Whatever the case, one thing is certain: the previous chapter has closed, and a new one has begun. The tension from the anticipation of how things will unfold is thick in the air. Well, that’s how things felt around the time I met Andrea. I had just moved. I had a new set of roommates. I had just been promoted into a new job. My Bible study group of guys had just disbanded because everyone had either gotten married, or moved away. Everything had changed. . . and now there was Andrea.
It wasn’t just that these changes had come all at once, but that each of them had been preceded by something that felt nothing short of divine intervention. First, my job. My boss had unexpectedly left, and I got promoted into his job. For all practical purposes, that shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t have a degree in finance, and yet I had just been given a job as a financial analyst. My roommate situation was just as providential. I happened to run into a friend at a coffee shop, a friend I hadn’t seen in more than a year. Turns out, his roommate was moving out at the exact same time that my lease was ending. Without lifting a finger, I suddenly found myself in a new living situation with new roommates. Also, since my Bible study group had disbanded, I had joined a volunteer team at the young adult ministry at my church. Had I not done that, I would not have been there to meet Andrea.
So, here I was, the day I was supposed voice my intentions to Andrea. But I had nothing! In fact, the harder I worked at it, the more I sounded like George McFly saying, “Lorraine, I am your density…” However, I realized that if God had worked out all those other impossible details in my life, I would be far less stressed just letting go of my own desire for control, entrusting everything to him—even something as scary as expressing my feelings to a girl. So on my way to her house, that's what I did. I threw my hands up in defeat and prayed, “God, if you’re the one orchestrating all of this, you’re going to have to work it out because I’m just going to mess it all up if it’s left to me. I have no idea how to tell her how I feel, but I trust you with those details, and I’m just not going to worry about it anymore.” So that’s what I did. I put it out of my mind. It didn't make the jitters go away, but mentally, I felt so much better.
When I pulled into her driveway, I noticed a man standing in the front yard. I didn’t recognize him, but then again, why would I? I hadn’t met any of her family yet. I stepped out of the car, about as gracefully as an ostrich stepping into a hammock—everything feels so much more awkward when you're being watched! I greeted him with a smile and a nod, and wondered if he was going to say something, but he simply gave me a nod in return. I made my way to the door and knocked, but I could still feel his eyes on me. I turned to look back at him, and he gestured for me to go in. Umm, no. There was no way I was just going to walk into someone’s house. Especially someone's house I’d never been to before! I replied, “no that’s okay—I’ll just wait.” And thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long. Andrea came right out, and promptly introduced me to Uncle Julio—the man in the yard. He had been visiting them from New Mexico. And no, no relation to the restaurant chain—I asked.
The real story though, is what happened after the concert. Everything was wrapping up, and we were standing around talking with some friends. This guy came up to us, a complete stranger—he gave us a curious look and said, “are you guys dating?” Whoa. I did not expect that. His question completely caught me off guard. What could I say? I couldn’t say yes, because even though I wanted us to be, we hadn’t talked about it. But I also couldn’t say no, because I didn’t want her to think I didn’t want to date her. I turned about 12 shades of red and mumbled something incoherent, but Andrea saved the day. She didn’t miss a beat, and laughed saying, “oh, we just know each other really well!” That was smooth. Good save! Too bad I hadn’t thought of it.
Anyway, despite my embarrassment, I immediately recognized the situation for what it was. This was God’s answer to my prayer. I hadn’t known how to broach the topic of us dating, and this guy had just given me the perfect segue. I quietly thanked the Lord, and to this day have always wondered if that guy was really a friend of someone at concert, or an angel in disguise. After we left, and were well situated on our drive home, I knew that the time had come. My heart began to race, and I said a quick prayer, “whelp, here it goes Lord—I’m trusting you to do your thing.” I broke the transitional small talk and said, “hey, you know when that guy asked us if we were dating?” You could have heard a pin drop. She looked at me like a deer in the headlights, and said, “yeah…” There was no going back now. I took a deep breath and said, “Well, I think we should talk about that.”
I don’t remember word for word what I told her, but I said something along the lines of: “I’ve had so much fun hanging out with you, and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you… but you’re the kind of girl that I’d like to spend the rest of my life getting to know. I’m so happy that we’ve become friends, and now that I know you better, I know that I want to pursue being more than just friends. You may not have even given two thoughts to the idea, and this might be catching you completely off guard, so please don’t feel like you have to give me any kind of an answer right now. I just wanted to let you know where I stood, and I want to give you the time and space to organize your thoughts. I do want to say though, it’s okay if you aren’t interested. We’ll totally still be friends, and see each other at different events and things. But, we won’t be able to get together one on one like this anymore, because it will be too hard for my heart.”
At that point, I decided it would be best if I just stopped talking, and let her have a say. After an uncomfortable silence, she finally spoke. She expressed her appreciation for everything I had said—at which point I began bracing myself for a rejection. The rejection never came, though. Instead, she began telling me her dating history. She hadn’t finished by the time we pulled up to her house, but stopped when we saw a person standing in the front yard. Uncle Julio? Andrea leaned forward, “is that my mom?” Sure enough, it was! I rolled down my window, and an instant later, Andrea’s mom stuck her entire head in through the window—like when you feed the zebras at Fossil Rim. She said in her beautiful Colombian accent, “Andrea, Uncle Julio has locked us out of the house!” Then she turned her head sideways, and nose to nose with me, said, “Hi, I’m Marina!” That was hands down, the most unique and hilarious introduction I’ve ever had.
As it turned out, Marina had been out salsa dancing while we were at the concert. During that time, Uncle Julio had gotten tired, locked up the house and went to bed. Unfortunately, he locked the top deadbolt instead of the bottom one. Marina had been knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell, but apparently Uncle Julio was sound asleep. As Marina explained the situation to us, she asked if I could give them a ride to her cousin’s house 30 minutes away. Obviously, I said yes! On one hand, I was super happy to finally get to know Andrea’s mom. On the other, I was super nervous, because now we had a big, unplanned interruption in the middle of a very serious conversation. A conversation that could still end with me receiving a rejection!
In the mean time, I had a great time getting to know Andrea's mom. I learned that Marina had a PhD, and that she was a teacher in the DISD. When they lived in Colombia, she had taught English, but now she taught Spanish. We talked all about music, dancing, and art. I also learned that Marina loved to travel, and she was horrified to hear that I’d never been out of the country. Our time in the car passed quickly, and personally, I was happy for the interruption. God is perfect in his timing, and I was happy that he saw fit to give us a little break in the middle of an otherwise heavy conversation. Not only did it lighten the mood, but it gave Andrea time to formulate her thoughts.
Once we arrived at our destination, Marina thanked me, and disappeared into her cousin’s house. We quickly jumped back into our previous conversation, and Andrea finished unpacking her boy stories with me. She explained that because of her past, she wasn’t currently wanting to date anyone. She said that she had too many painful memories she was working through, and it wouldn’t be fair to me to make me go through that with her. The more we talked, the more the heart behind what she was saying became clear. This wasn’t a lead up to rejection—this was a warning, an “if you knew what you were getting into, I don’t think you’d want to date me,” talk.
I told Andrea that before meeting her, I had never really been looking to date anyone. I had never had a girlfriend, and explained to her many of the things I’ve already written about here in my previous blogs. Because of all that, I wasn’t wanting to jump straight into a dating relationship, either—instead, I was wanting us to continue letting our friendship grow and develop naturally. And, if things went the way I felt they were going, we might eventually progress things to the next level. We concluded our talk by agreeing that these were cautious waters for her, and uncharted waters for me. She and I both needed healing, both from hurt that others had caused us, and from the hurt that we had caused ourselves. From that moment on, there was a clear shift in our relationship. We were no longer two friends hanging out. We were two souls, slowly moving toward oneness.
I drove home that night in a daze. Not only had God provided the perfect segue for us to talk, but he had also given us a comedic break in the middle of everything. Most shocking of all, Andrea hadn’t said no! Looking back, this wasn’t the start of a new chapter. This was the start of a whole new Act, complete with a set change, and a whole new cast of characters. The Act entitled, “Life Before Andrea,” had reached it’s conclusion, and the Act entitled, “Life With Andrea” was off with a roaring start. But we had a long way to go, and I had no idea how we would get there.
(posted 04-24-22)