Thoughts on faith, life, and art.
8. Will you be my girlfriend?
It’s interesting looking back at your life, and seeing how certain patterns begin to emerge. Especially when you identify a first occurrence of one of those patterns. All relationships have their firsts—first date, first kiss, first fight—but those are the big easy milestones. But I’m talking about more subtle things, like personality quirks or communication patterns. You know. . . the type of things that show up and establish themselves in a relationship dynamic before you even know they're there. In this part of our story, there were three that I want to highlight.
It was my birthday, and we’d only been dating for a few weeks. I had taken the day off from work to run some errands, and get a haircut. While I did that, Andrea took the opportunity to grab coffee with a friend who has always been a kind of mentor to her. Then we planned to meet up afterward. The timing was perfect. I arrived at the coffee shop moments after her friend had left. When I sat down, Andrea handed me a tiny, but beautifully wrapped gift. I had no idea at the time that this was a quintessential part of who Andrea was as a person—an amazing gift giver.
Now, let me tell you, receiving gifts is not my love language at all. But, the thought and the care she put into this present after having only known me for two short months, made me feel so seen, known, and loved. Next, Andrea pulled out a big heavy box. What was this, a bowling ball? That would not make me feel loved! In fact, it would probably make me feel unloved! Thankfully, it wasn’t a bowling ball. But I was confused. Inside the box, was a giant sculpture of a pair of hands, cupped together to form a bowl.
I didn’t know what to say. The first gift had been so meaningful, but this one seemed so. . . random! Thankfully, Andrea explained before I could reveal my confusion. During her freshman year in college, she had made some hand sculptures as part of her art degree. While they had been drying in the studio, someone came in and vandalized them. They broke off all the fingers except the middle finger, leaving an obscene trail of destruction in their wake. Later in Andrea’s senior year, she had to do another hand sculpture—and this one survived—and now she was giving it to me.
I was floored. It was such a simple gesture, but to me, it communicated that she believed in the future of our relationship. It was such a sentimentally valuable piece to her. . . if things went well with our relationship, this sculpture would soon become hers again, because it would then be “ours.” What a beautiful risk. I made up my mind in that very moment, that if I ever proposed to Andrea, I was definitely going to use those hands as part of the proposal. As our time wrapped up together, I was feeling so incredibly loved, known, and seen. I was so completely smitten with Andrea, and utterly convinced that there was no other woman in the world for me—that it just kind of happened.
I don’t even remember what she said first, but my response was, “I love you.” As the words were still coming out of my mouth, I realized the gravity of what I'd done. I quickly clarified that I hadn’t meant to say it, and that it just kind of slipped out—but that I had absolutely meant it. I also told her that I didn’t expect her to say it back, and that she didn’t have to tell me she loved me until she knew she did. What I hadn’t known at the time, and wouldn’t find out until much later, was the unbelievable timing of things.
Just before our date, Andrea had been telling her mentor about me, and that she was afraid to get into another relationship for fear of getting hurt again. Her mentor had said many encouraging and affirming things, but most importantly she said, “Andrea, you need to let him love you!” And here I was, just a few hours later, telling her exactly that. . . That I loved her. As we talked about it, Andrea asked me what I meant by love. And thus began a very specific negative communication pattern (on my part), that would repeatedly show up in our lives from that point forward.
The pattern goes like this: I would say something, and Andrea would ask an innocent but clarifying question. I would negatively interpret her question, and get defensive. Then a conflict would ensue. Thankfully, we were still on our best behavior, so this time it didn’t turn into an actual conflict. But, it was definitely a moment that we both noted. When she asked what I meant by love, my negative interpretation was that I thought she didn’t believe me, or was testing me. She noticed the shift in the mood, and picked up hints of my defensiveness. But thankfully, she actually left the conversation feeling loved, and knew that she was because I had told her so.
Isn’t it wild how such an important moment, such as saying “I love you,” was also the advent of what would later be identified as a destructive communication pattern? Neither of us would identify this pattern, much less work through it, until years and years later. But isn’t that such a picture of the brokenness of our world? Our most beautiful moments still carry the stain of sin. And yet we’re not left there. We have a savior who has redeemed us, and is making all things new.
I told Andrea I loved her on Thursday. By Sunday, I bought her a bouquet of peonies, and hid them in my backseat of my car. We went to church together, and when I walked her back to the car, I grabbed the flowers while she wasn’t looking, and knelt in the parking lot. She looked at me with surprise as I asked, “will you be my girlfriend?” She gave me an emphatic yes! We went to see my family, to celebrate our relationship status change! Of course we also had to make it Facebook official (back then, things weren’t official until they were “Facebook official”).
But there on the drive to see my family, the start of another pattern emerged. The pattern of us walking through Andrea’s trauma triggers together. I don’t remember what I said, but whatever it was, Andrea heard something totally different. She didn’t respond, so I looked over at her to see if she’d heard me, and I noticed that everything about her countenance had changed. It was clear that I had inadvertently bumped into something I shouldn’t have. I asked what was wrong, and she told me she was upset by what I’d said. Thankfully, I was able to clarify what I had actually said, and it was over as quickly as it had begun. However, this was the first time I had experienced triggering her, and the beginning of a long road of walking together through C-PTSD, and hours-long episodes that would not resolve anywhere near as quickly or easily. We will discuss this journey in much further detail in later posts.
Anyway, the morning I had asked her to by my girlfriend, they had also made an announcement at church about their pre-marital class that was about to start. The pastor said the class was for anyone who was engaged, or seriously dating. That last part caught my ear. Especially the explanation that this class was designed to break up people who weren't compatible. It did so by bringing up every potential red flag and deal-breaker that could arise in a relationship. This really appealed to me. I was literally about to ask Andrea to be my girlfriend later that morning, and I knew that if we weren’t going to last—I’d rather find out 8 weeks into this class rather than a year or so down the line.
So, that following Saturday (not even one week into being officially boyfriend and girlfriend), we went on a date to watch Dallas Ballet Center’s production of Raymonda. When we were sitting in the parking lot before the show, I brought up the class and asked if she wanted to take it with me. I was worried that she would think I was moving too fast, so I clarified that it was for people who were seriously dating, or engaged, and while we weren’t exactly engaged—I only dated “seriously.” I also told her it was okay if she didn’t want to take the class, and that I completely understood if she thought it was too soon. Her response completely surprised me, and reaffirmed just how much she really is my person!
Andrea told me that she had also heard the announcement, and had wanted to attend the class as well. But, decided not to bring it up to me, because she wanted me to lead. She was really happy that I had brought it up, and right there, in the front seat of the car, before going in to watch the ballet, we signed up for the class together. It was such a special night. Not only did we feel extra connected, but the ballet was beautiful, and the location was beautiful—SMU’s McFarlin Auditorium—and my date was beautiful!
After the ballet, we walked around the fountain outside McFarlin Auditorium, and asked a stranger to take our picture. For the picture, we did a pose from the Raymonda ballet that we’d just watched. And that was the start of the third pattern that would continue to show up. Little did we know, a full 10 years later, we’d still be doing the Raymonda pose in many of our pictures!
Our first Raymonda Pose. - 2013
(posted 07-07-23)